During my morning workout a head-banging song by the 80’s hair band RATT called “Dangerous But Worth the Risk” slipped into the rotation on my iPod. The lust-driven lyrics are about the allure of a woman he knows is dangerous but the temptation of her love and passion fuels his desire. The song although its message was simple and glam, got me thinking about the toxicity of a dangerous attraction.
Have you ever had someone you been involved with who you know is emotionally unhealthy – even toxic to you but the physical and mental chemistry is so powerful that you allow yourself to be continually to be drawn in even though you know it is dangerous?
Have you ever overlooked the little dramas he or she causes or the little white lies – you know the lies they tell – the ones that defy common sense and logic – because you are drawn to them like a moth to a flame? All your red flags are signaling dangerous waters ahead, alarms are ringing in your head…ding, ding, ding, ding ….but there you are sitting across from him or her again having a drink just for a taste of the sweet, sweet toxin that he or she releases within you.
Have you ever been shocked and find it totally unbelievable when that dangerous woman or man behaves badly again? You tell yourself that this time it will be different because when you walked away several months ago that, well, several months have gone by and maybe they have changed. But you still experience a sense of shock and awe when her or his old behavior returns.
On the flip side, have you ever had someone you been involved with that’s a wonderful caring person, but just not felt that spark?
Have you ever stopped dating a good person because he or she just wasn’t “the One,”? or convinced yourself she couldn’t be the One because you don’t like the way her voice sounds on the phone? or she’s not the One because her perfume smells like old women and hot dogs? Or his car smells like a gym locker? But when you look closely it’s really because you find yourself more attracted to the allure of that dangerous man or woman?
Okay by now you may be thinking I am writing about my dating life. Of course, I’m not….I’m writing about a friend of mine.
Seriously, the answers to all of these questions are extremely important.
Perhaps the answer lies in taking the time to take a deeper dive about who you are, peel off the covers and evaluate whether your past choices have added to or detracted from your personal happiness. I would bet that acting on that attraction has led to considerable amount of unhappiness and maybe even to internally flogging yourself for being such a dumb ass and falling for him or her again.
I’m a very passionate person – very passionate about the people I love and in my short time of being single have allowed myself to be ruled by my passions. I feel a strong drive toward and am very passionate about dangerous unhealthy women but I have learned to trust my instinct and my internal warning system. I’ve learned that when it goes off I have to pay attention to it or else I will be on the losing end of this one (again). If you are someone who gets a buzz instead of a warning, check your internal wires and reprogram your warning system.
I don’t want to downplay the importance of chemistry and attraction in a relationship. It has to be there – if it’s not there, it’s not there – it can’t be faked – and if isn’t there, there is nothing wrong with moving on. But I’ve learned there’s a difference between bad chemistry and good chemistry. If I feel the chemistry is there, I have developed a mental checklist of the “good” qualities that I desire. We all know what the “good” qualities are; don’t ignore the alarms that go off in your head when they aren’t there.
I recently read an article in a nature magazine about how predators in the animal kingdom are attracted to weaker animals – they scan the herd looking for the weakest animal – looking for certain body signals that signal weakness. This is the same principle that dangerous men or women work from – the predator is attracted to the weaker animal because it provides them with a sense of control. The good news is that you are actually in control. If you pay attention to your warning signals your body and mind send you, attraction for that dangerous person will no longer be a problem, and in fact, help develop confidence and allow you to make better decision about relationships.
Is he or she Dangerous But Worth the Risk? I doubt it. Move on.
