A friend of mine called me the other day asking to stop by the house to talk about challenges he is experiencing with his boss at work. As I continue to work toward my certification as a Health and Wellness Coach having these coaching sessions with my friend allows me incorporate my own life experiences, lessons learned, and my education.
My friend has a boss who’s a total control freak. As my friend explained, co-workers call their boss “Bulldog” not only due to his “walk” but also due to the way he storms around the work environment like a bulldog, snapping at everyone and anyone, including customers, when he is stressed or under pressure. Bulldog, as explained to me, attempts to dominate everyone and how everything around him is carried out. His behavior is considered very Napoleonic – often, erupting with a sudden tidal wave of aggression not unlike that of a territorial animal whenever someone says “No” to him, or has a different opinion then him, and will even throw mini-tantrums slamming equipment and reports around when he doesn’t get his way. If his reaction isn’t an aggressive display then it’s passive-aggressive and attempt to undermine the individual he failed to control. If all that didn’t work, he becomes depressed, sullen and resigned.
We all have Bulldogs in our lives. They are at work and also in our personal lives. The Bulldogs of the world are control freaks. Most of us have dealt with control freaks throughout our lives, whether it’s in our professional or personal life. We all know exactly who they are since they have a driving need to run the show, be the person who grabs the microphone and limelight, has to always put his or her two cents in, and call all the shots despite who they might offend in the process. They will often not give up and are relentless in their difficult behavior until they get their way. When dealing with control freaks, there’s an underlying tone that if you do not obey to their demands, they will be upset and in turn, you will suffer the consequences.
I’ve been spending time in my wellness studies over the last year learning how to understand why people are control freaks, how to deal with them myself, how to deal with the difficult people in my life, and when to stand up and say “No” and when to establish boundaries. Why are these people such control freaks?
Deep down, these individuals are terrified of being wrong and feel that they can protect themselves by staying in control –of every aspect of their lives including their relationships (they will often seek out meeker relationship partners). They possess the urge to dominate all causing everyone around them stress due to their effort to maintain a sense of order – even if that order only makes sense to them. The need to control is mainly fueled by fear and anxiety even though they are blind to themselves and their insecurities.
At work, the control freak may worry about failure. In personal relationships, they fear that their partner is going to leave them or that will be viewed as inadequate in some way. So, they try to dictate the people or things around them to cope with the anxiety before it overwhelms them. They have a difficult time with negotiation and compromise and most importantly can’t stand imperfection. Because of this, control freaks are extremely difficult to live, work and/or socialize with.
What I learned, and this is how my friend feels about Bulldog, is that because of their actions we actually develop anxiety about any communication with these control freaks. But, in reality, the control freaks actions and demands are an attempt to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. Controlling is an anxiety management tool for the control freak. Unfortunately, they take great lengths in their strategy to induce fear in everyone around them with the subtle and not so subtle threat of loss of power.
As I reflect on my experiences, my friend’s experiences, and this may resonate with some of you, we have seen what happens when the control freak cannot maintain control. Here is a “textbook” snapshot of what you might endure when this happens. It can be classified as a series of rapid phases. First, the person becomes angry and agitated. Next, the panic and apprehension sets in and leads to more agitation and threats to quit, take something away from you or withhold something from you. In the end, they can often lapse into depression and despair because they aren’t getting their way. However, they will always rationalize their behavior and cast blame on you for creating the situation and their behavior.
One thing is for certain though that control freaks tend to repeat the same pattern again and again through repetitious compulsion. This can often take on a life of its own and escalate to new levels as they continue to fight their anxiety with increasing severity.
So how to deal with the control freaks in life?
Stay calm and speak slowly: This can be hard to do but remember control freaks create tension in those around them. When they get agitated, stay calm and focused with a comfortable distance to keep yourself centered as you speak. If you get upset and agitated due to their behavior, you are joining their fight on their terms-not yours.
Be patient: Even though they don’t have much to say, control freaks feel the need to be heard. If you participate in the power struggle, you will engage them and make matters worse. Just try to listen carefully, ask questions to reaffirm that you listened to them; they will move on easier this way and calm down. Remember they like the fight; don’t participate.
Play the game: Initially, you can let them feel like they are controlling the agenda. But, remember you can control the pace. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you are in control of pacing the conversation.
Be kind: Let’s face it, control freaks are very paranoid people and are ready to get angry at any given moment. If you kill them with reasonable kindness, you will throw them off because they are ready to defend themselves against their perception of a hostile world. It’s great to know you are positively manipulating them for a change.
Make demands: If you’re in the workplace or in a personal relationship, ask them to send you something or do something for you. By requesting something, you turn the finger and show that you are not intimidated or threatened by their behavior pattern.
The most important thing to remember is to make certain you let go, don’t take their actions personally. The control freak is generally angry and afraid to let go – so let go yourself. This will take away the control freaks power.
